


Shinjuu, Lovers Suicide (Killugon)

by Kirbydesu248



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Anger, Angst, Betrayal, Comfort, Family, Friendship, Hate, Hurt, Love, M/M, New love, Romance, Tragedy, fight
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2017-10-17
Packaged: 2018-11-29 07:13:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11435808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kirbydesu248/pseuds/Kirbydesu248
Summary: "Gon?" Killua hesitantly called to the older teen.Gon kept his back turned and Killua wondered if he'd fallen asleep. He shuffled closer to Gon, his chest brushing against his back. Beneath the covers he felt the boy in front of him tense."Gon, please. Look at me."Gon hesitated for a breath before turning only his head towards Killua, refusing to meet his eyes. In the moonlight, Killua could make out the deep cuts that covered his cheeks. He wondered just how many more were hidden from view. He waited for Gon to say something, anything. But the teen was quiet- and it scared him."I'm so sorry." Killua's voice was hushed, afraid that he would break him further if he spoke too loudly. "I never meant for any of this to happen."Gon finally met his eyes and Killua saw nothing but pain there. A pain so strong that it shattered his heart on the spot. He buried his face into the back of Gon's broad shoulders, tears soaking the fabric of his shirt."I'm so sorry. So sorry, Gon." There was silence, save for Killua's shuddered breaths, "Tell me everything's going to be okay."





	1. Zoldyck Family Confrontation

**Author's Note:**

> I'm posting the first two chapters for Killua's birthday. After these first two chapters, the goal is a new chapter hopefully once EVERY WEEK TO TWO WEEKS. (I am in the process of getting ready for college graduation, so forgive me if I'm a TAD late for an update or two). 
> 
> ALSO, for those of you following Safe: I haven't forgotten about it! And I haven't abandoned it by any means. I'm just having a rough time with plot right now since I didn't outline it ahead of time and I don't want to write a mediocre update. I owe it to all of you to wrap it up nicely and to keep the plot and characters strong. I am working on the update, I PROMISE.

_ Shinjuu, Lover’s Suicide _

**Chapter 1 – Zoldyck Family Confrontation**

_ “No. No!” Killua choked, bile slowly rising up from his stomach and into his throat, blue eyes stinging with unreleased tears, “I-Illumi, why?” _

_ Illumi‘s cold eyes gazed at the boy blanched by fear, before he stood up from where he knelt. His hand still wrapped around a boy’s neck, clothed in green and blood. He dropped the body, limp onto the ground as he loomed over his younger brother. _

_ “I thought I made myself perfectly clear, Killu. You are not to have any friends.” He frowned almost pitifully at the whimpering boy in front of him, “He’s made you weak. They all have. That’s why I had to kill them- so I could protect you.” _

_ “But they didn’t DO anything! They-They were my friends! I loved them!” Killua was quickly losing his sanity. Gon’s body facing him on the ground, dull brown eyes staring into his, a small stream of blood leaking from his lips. A few feet away lay a man with broken glasses and a bloodstained suit- his limp arm covering the last remaining Kurta whose eyes would forever be a beautiful scarlet. The bile in Killua’s throat was dangerously close to escaping and he fought the urge to vomit all over the floor. His pulse raced and his chest felt too tight to breathe and he found that he couldn’t make out Gon’s eyes anymore- his vision blurred with his tears. Killua started as cold hands grasped at his trembling shoulder, the flexing of the chilled fingers nowhere near comforting. _

_ “They manipulated you. It was the right thing to do, killing them.” _

_ “Y-You’re a monster!” Killua yanked his shoulder away and the pity in Illumi’s eyes was replaced with that of bloodlust, his eyes scanning the room for any sign of life. _

_ “Now, where’s Alluka?” Killua’s blood turned to ice in his veins, the flush of his cheeks draining at his brother’s words, “Once he’s disposed of, you will truly be safe.” _

_ “N-No… You won’t hurt her!” But Illumi was already looking towards the door, the door that separated them from the only one left that he loved. Killua tried to block him but his feet seemed glued to the floor, fear paralyzing him. His limbs refused to follow his brain’s demands. All he could do was watch in horror as his older brother stalked towards the door, needle in hand. Pale knuckles gently rapped on the door so as not to alarm the girl. Killua wanted to warn his beloved little sister, beg her to hide, but his voice caught in his throat, tongue sitting heavy in his mouth. He tried again, but the words seemed lost as the door opened. _

_ “Big Bro-“ Two sets of blue eyes widened- Alluka’s in confusion and fear, Killua’s in horror. Killua couldn’t see when it happened, Illumi’s body blocking Alluka from view. Suddenly the little girl, the girl who he loved more than anything, his baby sister, fell to the floor with a thump. As Killua stared at her lifeless body, two needles impaling her forehead, his eyes burned. He’d never felt more alone, everyone he’d ever loved now dead.Tears now flowed freely down his cheeks and he felt his body trembling in both sadness and fury. How could this happen? How could his own brother do this to him, to his friends? Killua wasn’t sure which he wanted to do more- tear Illumi to shreds, or to just bawl his eyes out. _

_ “Now you’re safe, Killu. No one can take you from me again.” Illumi’s voice broke through the silence, a sickeningly sweet tone. Killua still stood, frozen in place, staring at Alluka’s once bright eyes. Killua barely noticed Illumi quickly crossing the room back towards him, so absorbed in the horror that surrounded him. When he finally noticed, cold hands were already clasping onto his shoulders and, when his head snapped to look at his brother, he was helpless but to stare into those horrifying black pools. “But just to be certain, I’m afraid I must put another of my needles into your head. It’s for your own good.” _

_ Killua watched out of the corner of his eye as Illumi raised a hand, a needle in his grasp. His heart pounded and his eyes widened in fear. He tried to pull away from Illumi’s grasp as the fingers on his shoulder tightened. The terrified teen barely had time to react as a sharp pain shot through his forehead. _

_ Killua screamed. _

xXx

Killua sprang up quickly, skin drenched in sweat, blue eyes wide as they darted around the dark space of his and Alluka’s hotel room. His breath shook and he placed a hand on his chest in an attempt to steady his racing heart. His head snapped over to the bed next to his, seeing Alluka sleeping peacefully. Relief flooded through him as he watched her sleep, feeling the familiar burning in his eyes.  _ She’s safe. She’s okay. Illumi’s not here. She’s not in danger. _

He ran trembling fingers through white tresses and silently cursed before rubbing furiously at his watery eyes. Another nightmare. These were common occurrences for the seventeen year old and had been for as long as he could remember. He’d hoped that getting Alluka and Nanika out of Kukuroo Mountain, that separating from Gon, would be the escape that he needed from the nightly horrors that he was so accustomed to. But the past three years had only served to worsen them.

Once he was sure that tears were no longer falling, he tossed his blankets aside. Killua hopped out of bed and, after watching Alluka for a moment, grabbed his old beetle phone off his desk and crept outside into the hall.

He paced back and forth, teeth chewing on his bottom lip and hand running through his hair in anxiety. After minutes of mindlessly pacing, he forced his feet to halt and dialed a number that he’d begrudgingly saved into his phone. It took a few seconds for the man to pick up, seconds that felt like hours. Killua began pacing again, sweat beginning to form on his brow. Killua knew that the call must have shocked him. He couldn’t blame him- after all, Killua hadn’t called him in almost three years. So, why would he call him now? Killua wished that he didn’t know the reason himself.

“Killua.” Not a ‘hi’ or ‘hello’. Only stating his name. Killua expected no less after what had happened between the two.

“Hello, Father.” Killua succeeded in keeping the venom from his voice, but there was no hiding the exhaustion.

“Killua? Why are you calling so late? Did something happen?” Silva’s concerned reply was immediate and Killua chewed on the inside of his cheek to the point where he broke skin, he winced as rusty taste of blood overwhelmed his taste buds.  _ You’ve got to be kidding me. Now the old man’s worried? After everything that’s gone down? After what he put Alluka and I through? Bullshit. _

“I… Yeah, I’m fine.” Killua sighed, rubbing his eyelids with his free hand. But he wasn’t fine.

“Where are you and Alluka?”

Killua clenched his hand into a fist, tempted to either ream his father or to hang up. He didn’t care about Alluka’s safety. He never did. What he  _ actually  _ meant was ‘is Alluka dead? Did she grant someone’s request? What’s the cost?’ In fact, it’s quite possible that he didn’t even care about Killua. He just wanted to know whether he was coming home. Which was why Killua wanted so badly to end the call. It was also why he  _ couldn’t _ .

“Killua?”

“We are. We’re both safe.” Killua took a breath, “I- We’re coming home.” The former assassin took a small bit of pride in the silence that followed.

“Where are you? I’ll send an airship for you in the morning.”

“No, you don’t understand. I just-“ Killua faltered, feeling heaviness and dread setting in once again. “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep running from Illumi. I want Alluka safe- I will do  _ anything _ to keep her safe and happy- but I just can’t keep living like this. I never sleep because I’m worried that Illumi will take that opportunity and strike. I can’t even let my guard down for  _ one second _ .”

“Then I think it’s time that you came home, Killua. You have your health to worry about. You did what you wanted to. It’s over.” Silva responded after a moment to let Killua’s words sink in. Once they did, he clenched his jaw, trying with everything he had to keep his cool

“No.” Killua’s voice took an edge to it, “No, we’re coming home, but it’s not for good.”

“I had a feeling you’d say that. Go on.” Silva maintained a cool façade, irking his son more.

“We’re coming home, but  _ only _ if Alluka is free. I don’t want her locked up anymore. She needs to be allowed to go wherever she wants whenever she wants. And I’m only coming home if I’m allowed to leave whenever I want, too. No more assassin stuff, Dad. I’m a Hunter now.” Killua heard his father take a sharp intake of breath. “No more assignments. I refuse. And Alluka’s staying with me- not in that prison cell you had her in before.”

“I’ll meet your demands.” Silva sounded hesitant, “We’ll discuss this more when you get here.”

“Alright.” Killua was equally as cautious, but couldn’t help feeling a bit of relief. “For now, call off Illumi. We’re coming so you don’t need him chasing us anymore.”

There was another brief pause before Silva’s voice came through the phone’s speaker. “Alright, you have my word. Illumi won’t come after you anymore. I’ll make sure of it.”

“Good. We’ll be there in about two weeks.” Killua kept his voice hardened, determined to not let his relief show through.

“Your mother will be pleased that you’re coming home, Killua.” Killua had to keep from snapping at him and fought to remain diplomatic.

“Yeah. Night.” He muttered, the venom that he’d desperately tried to hide at first slipping from his lips as he ended the call.

It took hardly a second before he sank to the ground, the weight of dread seeming to drag his body to the ground. He felt sick- no, he felt  _ more _ than sick. He felt like nothing but garbage. After everything that his friends had been through to get him out of Kukuroo Mountain five years ago, after the torture that his family had put him through and the solitary that they’d put Alluka and Nanika through- he was going back  _ with _ her. Maybe being away from his friends, from  _ Gon _ , for so long robbed him of his self-control. Maybe he really  _ was _ an assassin. Maybe he was no better than his family. Maybe he was just weak.

But he knew that that wasn’t the case. He was just… lonely. He didn’t realize just how  _ unbearably  _ difficult if would be having a best friend, having people he truly loved- only for all of that to vanish. He was grateful for Alluka and Nanika, he loved them more than he could ever say. But at night, when all he was left with were his thoughts of paranoia, terrifying nightmares, and a broken heart, his sisters weren’t always enough.

He longed for the days where he was twelve and running around having adventures with his best friend. How he missed Leorio’s schemes and Kurapika’s constant chase for vengeance- they were things that annoyed him at the time, but he missed them. He wished that he had known how lucky he was. He wished he’d known what was to come. He wished he’d told Gon the truth when he had the chance.

Because now it hurt him more than he would have ever thought that it would- the loneliness, the darkness, the fear. He didn’t have Gon to keep him laughing or embarrass him, he didn’t have Leorio or Kurapika’s guidance. It was just him and his little sisters who thought the world of him. If they only knew that he’d just promised to take them home… What would they think when they realized he was willingly putting them in danger? Would they hate him? Would they try to leave? But they’d been safe there on Kukuroo Mountain. They weren’t happy and they were lonely, but they were safe. So Killua wasn’t doing a bad thing… right?

He dropped his face into his hands, horrified with himself. If he decided not to take her back, then at the very least, they had two weeks to get a head start and get  _ very  _ far from his older brother. Of course, his family would be pissed if he didn’t show up. And that could be even worse for them.  _ It was a moment of weakness. That’s all it was. I’m not a bad person. I’ve changed. _

After what seemed like hours of sitting in the empty hall outside of their hotel room, Killua got to his feet and went back to their room. He was greeted with the sun peeking through the curtains, Alluka stretching on her bed.Questioning blue eyes met his own, Alluka’s head tilting to the side.

“Brother? Where have you been?” Her voice laced with worry as she walked over to him, “Were you up all night again?” Killua grimaced and shook his head.

“Just had a phone call.” He said as nonchalantly as he could. He smiled at her and ruffled her hair before exclaiming, “Happy Birthday, Alluka and Nanika!”

Worry was replaced with happiness as the fifteen-year-old grinned at him and Killua couldn’t help but smile in amusement. Alluka’s long hair was a mess from sleep and she had dried drool on her cheek- though none of that seemed to bother her.

“Thank you! What should we do today? I want a big cake!” Alluka squealed, oblivious to the humor in her brother’s eyes.

Killua openly laughed at her, frowning as his phone began buzzing in his hand. He ignored the call and tossed it on his bed before turning back to his sister.

“Whatever you want to do, birthday girls!” He announced with a smile stretched onto his face. He listened patiently, and not without amusement, as she rambled on and on about what she wanted, relaying what Nanika wanted as well.

Killua’s tossed phone flashed a notification, one missed call from  _ Gon Freecss. _


	2. Fear and Confessions

**Chapter 2 – Fear and Confessions**

Leorio sat on the couch of his Yorknew City apartment, salivating over the smells coming from the kitchen. He had to be patient, not wanting to be scolded at again by the young man preparing their meal. His eyes traveled from the kitchen to the small frame on the coffee table, before picking it up with a fond smile. In the frame lay an image of him from years past of Leorio’s fondest friends-  Kurapika, Gon, and Killua.

“It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” Leorio asked, looking over his shoulder, his voice soft and reminiscent. Kurapika’s gaze drifted to the frame before nodding as he joined him on the couch, their breakfast in hand.

 

“It has.” Kurapika mumbled setting the plates on the coffee table, a distant look in his eyes, “We were so young back then. It’s hard to believe we’re even the same people.”

“I don’t think so. I mean you and I seem the same- just a little older and wiser.” Leorio said matter-of-factly, and the blond couldn’t help but laugh.

“Speak for yourself, _old man_.” He teased, laughing harder at Leorio’s glare.

“Hey, the only reason I ever let Killua call me that was because he could rip my heart out… literally.” Leorio muttered, ignoring Kurapika’s quiet laughs. He sighed, setting the photo back down. “I wonder how those kids are doing, anyway. It seems like forever since I’ve talked to either of them.” Leorio said, worry filling his voice.

 

Kurapika opened his mouth to comfort him, only to be interrupted by his phone ringing. He raised his eyebrows when he looked at the screen. “Speak of the devil.” He answered the phone with a smile on his face, “Hi, Gon! It’s been awhile-“

“K-K-Kurapika?” Kurapika heard a whimper on the other end and his heart stopped. Leorio watched Kurapika’s eyes widened, body tensing.

 

“Gon? Gon, what happened? Why are you crying?” Kurapika prodded, his voice a higher octave in panic. Beside him, Leorio jumped to attention.

“Why the hell is he-“ Leorio tried to press.

“Shh!” Kurapika hushed Leorio, holding up a finger before talking back into the phone, “Gon, are you okay?” Kurapika’s voice shook, getting caught in his throat as he heard Gon choke on a sob.

“K-Killua… H-H-He…” Gon tried to speak, breaking into more muffled sobbing. Kurapika stared at Leorio, distressed.

“Please, you need to calm down!” Kurapika’s voice was urgent, before trying again in a softer voice,  “What happened to Killua?” His question was met with more sobs.

Kurapika frowned, running a hand through his hair as he heard Gon continue to cry. He listened to the shaky breaths, trying to be patient as he waited for a coherent response. Leorio sat on pins and needles beside him, looking like he was about to burst. Gon crying wasn’t anything new- he was always known to be overly emotional when he was a kid. But this was different. Something about Gon’s wails truly terrified him. _What if they’re hurt? What if they’re-_

“Gon, you’re starting to scare me. What happened? Where are you and Killua?” Kurapika all but scolded Gon out of desperation. Gon’s breath shuddered.

“K-Killua... H-He won’t talk to me!” Gon wailed, unable to hold it together. Kurapika let out a breath, his eyebrow twitching in annoyance. _You’ve got to be kidding me._

“Gon, you had me scared to death for a _fight_ between you two?” Kurapika questioned exasperated. Leorio groaned, scooting closer to Kurapika, reaching toward him. Kurapika swatted him away when he tried to grab the phone.

 

“Let me talk to him-” Leorio insisted, trying to steal the phone from Kurapikas grasp.

 

“Back off, Leorio. You'll just make things worse.” Kurapika complained, leaning further away. Leorio was about to try again when Kurapika froze, listening to Gon again.

“N-N-No, th-that’s not i-it.” Gon’s voice held traces of annoyance, even through his hiccups. When he started to cry again, Kurapika felt himself tense all over again.

“Okay, okay, calm down, Gon.” Kurapika soothed, he and Leorio alert again,  “Just take deep breaths and tell me what’s going on. Why isn’t Killua talking to you?”

“I don’t know!!!” Gon wailed and Kurapika winced at the volume, pulling his phone back a bit before returning it to his ear.

“Well,” He started again, trying to be patient, “How long has it been since he’s talked to you?” There was silence on the other end of the line, aside from the soft hiccups and whimpers. Kurapika tried again, his voice hesitant, “Gon?”

“Th-Th-Three years…” Came Gon’s whispered reply. Kurapika’s eyes widened in shock.

“Wait, what?” Kurapika asked in disbelief, “What do you mean you and Killua haven’t talked in _three years_?” Leorio looked at Kurapika dumbfounded

There was more silence on the other end and Kurapika felt his concern ebb away into irritation. He had been under the impression that the two of them had been _together_ this whole time. Gon had always said “we” whenever he talked about plans and adventures, and he’d always just assumed that Gon had meant _he and Killua_. In fact, Kurapika thought as his blood began to boil, he’d specifically asked about Killua on more than one occasion and Gon had always answered him as if Killua was there.

“Gon. Truth. _Now_.” Kurapika demanded, his eyes turning scarlet. He didn’t like that his friend had openly lied to him, that no one knew Killua’s whereabouts. Leorio leaned toward him abruptly, alarmed by his scarlet eyes. Kurapika turned from him, focusing on the phone.

 

There was a whimper on the phone before Gon’s rushed rambling came through the speaker. “H-He left three years ago when I f-found Ging. It was after I was in the hospital and the A-Ants and… I e-emailed him and texted and called him b-but he never answered! He never talks to me! And I haven’t seen him s-since he left! And h-he hates me and I d-don’t know why!” Gon cut his own desperate rambling off and whimpered again, “I-I-I’m sorry for not telling you… I didn’t w-want you to worry…”

Kurapika sighed, closing his eyes. He rubbed his left temple with his free hand. A hand grasping at his knee grabbed his attention, a worried looking Leorio urging him for information with his eyes.

“Wh-What did I do wrong?” Gon’s voice was small, trembling.

“Gon, I’m sure you didn’t do anything wrong- _definitely_ not anything worth this. There must be an easy explanation- a misunderstanding. Hold a second-“ Kurapika assured him before turning back to Leorio, filling him in tiredly, “It turns out that Killua took off three years ago and they haven’t spoken since.”

“Seriously?!” Leorio exclaimed, brown eyes widened in shock, “But why the hell- the two are inseparable!” He wasn’t sure whether to be furious or worried, and looking at Kurapika, he could tell he was in the same boat.

“ _Were_ , apparently. Can you-“ Kurapika corrected.

“Yeah, I got it.” Leorio cut him off, already whipping out his phone, dialing Killua’s number. “I’ll see what’s up with the kid. Just focus on calming Gon down.” Leorio spoke confidently, earning a small smile and nod from Kurapika. He walked to the bedroom, waiting for Killua to pick up.

“Gon? I’m back. Leorio is calling Killua right now to see what’s going on.” Kurapika spoke soothingly into the phone pulling his gaze away from Leorio’s back.

xXx

Leorio paced the bedroom, listening to the repeated dial tones until Killua’s chipper voicemail echoed from the speaker:

“Hey! You’ve reached Killua! Leave your mes-“

Leorio hung up before automatically redialing. He completed the cycle three more times, growing increasingly ticked off. _Where the hell is this kid?_ His fist clenched around the small phone, dialing one last time, swearing to beat the crap out of Killua if he ignored his call again.

A few cities over, Killua sat in front of the television watching some sappy romance with Alluka. He growled under his breath after the fourth call went to voicemail, trying with every fiber of his being to keep from throwing his phone out the window. It wasn’t that he didn’t _want_ to talk to his friends. It’s that he didn’t want to talk to _Leorio_ . Knowing him he’d talk him to death about something that didn’t matter- or, God forbid, lecture him about disappearing. He knew it was wrong ignoring his calls since the old man had called him _four_ times. _Something could be wrong. Something could have happened._ But Killua was in a bad mood and it was Alluka’s birthday and he was _not_ about to ruin it with this. He was not about to-

“Brother?” Alluka questioned curiously, her head tilted as she stared at him concerned. “Your phone’s been ringing a lot. Shouldn’t you answer it?”

“No way. It’s your day. Besides I can call him later.” Killua covered up the annoyance in his voice and smiled, ruffling her hair. Alluka still frowned, unconvinced.

“But what if it’s important?”

“Alluka-“ Killua started, his tone stern, before his ringtone cut him off. He waited a few rings before snatching the phone up and answering it with more force than necessary. “ _What,_ Leorio?”

“Killua, what the hell is going on?” Leorio spat as soon as the boy answered.

“Shouldn’t that be my question?” Killua muttered, sending his sister an apologetic look and leaving the hotel room.

“This isn’t a joke, kid. Are you insane?” Leorio yelled, trying to quell his anger by pacing the room again.

 

Killua rolled his eyes, toying with one of his yoyos as stood in the hallway. “Sure. Yeah, I’m insane. But that’s what happens when you’re constantly on the run from your psycho family.” Killua replied, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

“Is that why you’ve been ignoring your best friend?” Leorio replied, anger dimming a bit as he leaned against the wall.

 

Killua dropped his yoyo to ground at the question. His mind froze at the question, words refusing to form. _Why am I so surprised? I knew he'd bring it up. So why won't anything come out?_

 

Leorio stopped pacing, taking the silence as a sign that he hit the nail on the head. He continued, his tone accusing, “Because he’s pretty much a mess, so you’ve got some explaining to do.”

“He called you.” Killua muttered in disbelief. _Though, is it really that unbelievable? He and Leorio were always pretty friendly when they were together._

“No, but he’s talking to Kurapika right now. He’s pretty upset.” Leorio replied, trying to keep his voice even. He was never very good at talking to Killua. _Figures, I have to be the one to play therapist._ He tapped his foot impatiently, hearing silence on the other end. He sighed, “What’d you do to him?”

“I… I didn’t do anything!” Killua yelled, his voice shaking. His skin was pale and he made no move to pick up his fallen yoyo. _Gon’s a mess. Gon’s crying. Gon’s hurting. And it’s my fault._ He’d suspected that Gon would be hurt by him leaving and avoiding him, but he figured the guy would’ve gotten over it by now. The fact that he hadn’t, caused a pang in Killua’s heart.

“Well it sounds like you did!” Leorio bellowed, his patience depleted. He threw a hand up in front of him with his teeth clenched as he continued to yell at the boy. “Spit it out! You aren’t fooling anyone! Why the hell did you leave and why the hell aren’t you talking to Gon? I thought he was your _best friend_!” In the other room, he could hear Kurapika still trying to talk Gon down from the metaphorical ledge.

“I…” Killua kicked the wall, the words caught in his mouth. He didn’t have the slightest idea of what to say. He didn’t have any intention of pouring his heart out to Leorio of all people, but he couldn’t lie. _Not that Leorio would accept one._ How would he even start? Killua had no idea if he knew how to put his feelings into words. He cared for Gon- he knew that much. He might even believe that he could actually love him. But was that good enough to explain his actions the past three years? Was that good enough to explain his sudden departure and his absence? Was that good enough to explain the ache in his chest or the tears that burned his eyes whenever someone even _mentioned_ his best friend? _No. It’s not enough._

“Killua.” Leorio’s voice was softer this time, pulling Killua out of his inner warring. Leorio sighed, unable to figure out what was causing these two boys, whom he considered old friends, so much pain, “Hey, you can tell me. You and Gon are my friends and I know you care about each other. So let’s just figure this out, okay?” Killua bit his lip, silent. Leorio started again carefully, “Killua-“

“I think I love him.” The boy snapped, his cheeks bright red in embarrassment and anger for having to admit it.

“C-Come again?” Leorio sputtered. He had already had an inkling of Killua’s feelings towards Gon years ago. He just never expected him to actually admit it. _Fantastic. Now I have to not only play therapist, I have to play couples’ counselor._

“I-I love him, okay?” Killua mumbled quietly and glared at a hotel patron who walked by him in the hall, his blush increasing in intensity. He growled, anger evident, despite his blush, “But he treated me like shit with the Ants and it hurt like hell so who needs him?” Leorio raised an eyebrow, frowning.

“You seriously think that?” Leorio questioned, not buying it one bit, “I mean, I can’t imagine the Killua I know just throwing away his relationship with Gon- no matter what he did.”

“Yeah, well you weren’t there.” Killua muttered, resentment leaking from his lips. He idly kicked his yoyo across the dark hotel carpet. “I gave him everything, _everything_ I had for _two_ years- only for him to completely ditch me and throw it all away to fight Pitou on his own. He treated me like _nothing_ so he deserves every bit he gets.” _Well, not every bit_.

“Bullshit.” Leorio growled, pacing the room again.

“H-Huh?” Killua sputtered into the phone, thrown off balance.

“That’s bullshit and you know it, Killua. He may have pissed you off, but that’s not why you left and that’s not why you’re avoiding him.” Leorio lectured, his tone stern. He ran a hand through his hair, fighting the urge to pull at it in annoyance. “Give it up already.”

 

Killua flushed again, half in anger and half in embarrassment. _The old man totally has me figured out!_ He took a breath, answering begrudgingly, “I couldn’t protect him, alright? I can barely protect Alluka on her own, and I could just barely do the same with Gon back with the Ants. If Gon came with Alluka and I, I wouldn’t have been able to protect _both_ of them. There’s no way.”

“So why couldn’t you just tell him that? What’s the deal with completely ignoring him?” Leorio asked him honestly, sinking onto the edge of his bed. Leorio was being surprisingly patient with him and Killua didn’t know whether to be annoyed at him for belittling him, or to be thankful for his kindness.

“I dunno. It just- It hurts whenever I look at his messages. I just-“ Killua mumbled, trying to formulate the words. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he wondered how it had come to this. How had it come to him talking about his _feelings_ with Leorio?

“You miss him.” Leorio stated, realization dawning on him. Killua nodded before realizing that the other man couldn’t see it.

“Y-Yeah, I do… A _lot_ .” Killua whispered, concentrating on keeping his voice from breaking. He bit his lip, his throat and eyes burning as the words left his mouth. _This is pathetic. I’m a trained assassin. I’m not supposed to get all emotional over some guy._ He glared at the wall, wiping his eyes when he heard laughter. He growled, vowing to murder Leorio the next time he saw him, “What the _hell_ are you laughing at?”

“Killua, it’s perfectly normal to miss your best friend, especially when you’re _in love_ with him.” Leorio said softly, beaming. Killua blushed deeply, still peeved. Leorio’s grin fell from his face, his voice hardening.“But what’s _not_ normal is avoiding him for three years. You’re breaking his heart and he’s convinced you hate him. That’s inexcusable.”

“I know, I know.” Killua muttered, trying to force his blush to vanish. The whole situation was beginning to exhaust him. Truthfully, he'd rather the ground swallow him up whole than deal with this- the embarrassment of coming to terms with his feelings, the idea of facing Gon, the fear of rejection. _Why is this happening to me?_ “But what exactly am I supposed to do? I already let it go on for this long. Don’t you think it’d just be easier to block his number?”

“ _Killua_.” Leorio said warningly.

“I know, okay? Just… _help me_.” Killua whined, kicking the wall with more force than necessary.

Leorio thought for a moment, trying to think of the best plan of action for his young friend. After all, he didn’t want things to get any worse, but he wasn’t sure if Gon would even understand his best friend’s feelings. One thing’s for certain: this most certainly was _not_ a conversation for Gon and Killua to be having over the phone. _Unless..._ Leorio snapped his fingers with a fire in his eyes.

“Killua, where are you?” Leorio asked, excitement in his voice, standing again from the bed.

“Huh? Why?” Killua asked confused, picking up the yoyo from the ground.

“Are you close to Yorknew City? How long would it take you to get here?” Leorio prodded after not getting the desired response. Killua was still confused, but shrugged.

“I don’t know. About three days, maybe, with Godspeed and airships. Why?” Killua asked, his tone equal parts confused and suspicious.

“How about you and Alluka stay over here for a bit? We’ll help you figure out what to do about

Gon.” Leorio asked, trying to tone down his excitement, the wheels in his brain already turning.

“Why not? It's not like I have anything better to do, old man.” Killua muttered sarcastically, rolling his eyes. After a second, something clicked. Killua asked, suspicion overtaking, “Wait, who’s _we_?”

“Doesn’t matter. See you in three days, kid! And don’t call me ‘old man’!” Leorio brushed the boy off, waving a hand in the air despite Killua not being able to see him.

“Who’s w-“ Killua started before the call ended. He stared at the phone in his hand, suddenly aware that he wasn’t quite sure what he’d gotten himself into. He sighed, walking back to Alluka.

 

Leorio walked quickly to the living room, snatching the phone from Kurapika who looked at him questioningly. Leorio grinned at him before speaking quietly into the phone, “Gon? You there?”

“L-Leorio! D-D-Did Killua p-pick up?” Leorio winced at Gon’s whimpering voice. He could picture the boy crying alone in his room and it made his heart break.

“Yeah. Listen, I have an idea. How long will it take you to get to Yorknew City?” Leorio kept his voice cheerful, trying to pry the boy from his sadness. His mischievous eyes met Kurapika’s interested ones. Kurapika mouthed a ‘what are you planning?’ but Leorio just waved him off.

 

Kurapika crossed his arms and leaned back against the couch, not understanding what Leorio was up to. He loved him, he truly did, but sometimes his schemes just exhausted him. It also worried Kurapika that he didn't have the slightest clue what Leorio had found out from Leorio.

 

Though Kurapika had spent the last few years absent from Gon and Killua's lives, he worried about them and just wanted them to be happy. The fact that Leorio seemed to be concocting one of his schemes, now of all times, deeply concerned Kurapika.

“Alright, see ya!” Leorio beamed, saying a cheerful goodbye to his friend.

As soon as the phone call was over, Leorio smugly returned phone to its owner, a wicked look in his eyes. Kurapika felt his suspicion heighten.

“What exactly are you planning, Leorio?” Kurapika questioned hesitantly, wrapping his arms around him. Leorio felt a grin stretch across his lips, arousing Kurapika's suspicion, as Leorio returned the embrace.

“Ah, ah, ah! You’ll just have to wait and see.” Leorio leaned forward placing a too quick kiss on his soft lips. He pulled away with a grin, smugness in his voice, “By the way, Killua and Alluka will be staying with us for a while.”

“Wha-“ Kurapika questioned before his eyes widened. He let out an incredulous laugh, “You’re kidding me, right? You set them up!”

“Yeah, well, what would _you_ do?” Leorio muttered and started to pout. Grey eyes rolled and Kurapika nuzzled Leorio.

“Don’t worry. You did a good job. I’m sure it’ll work out.” Kurapika muttered against his skin. Kurapika’s body felt heavy with relief, relaxing into Leorio’s arms.

“Damn right it will.” Leorio mumbled back, grinning to himself.

 

 


	3. Arrival and Reunions

A/N: I'M ALIVE. 

**Chapter 3 – Arrival and Reunions**

Killua looked from the address his phone to the apartment number again before knocking on the door. Alluka was draped over his back, sleeping soundly from the long trip. Killua was tired too, wanting nothing more than to collapse in a warm bed- though he wasn’t sure he’d get that luxury with them staying at Leorio’s apartment. He shifted uncomfortably in the evening breeze as he waited for the door to open. _Maybe this isn’t such a good idea. I mean I really don’t need Leorio playing shrink or matchmaker or whatever. Knowing him, he’d just screw up and I’d look like a complete idiot anyway._

He grimaced and turned around, walking back down the front steps. _We’ll just find a hotel to stay in for the night then keep moving._ He’s just got down the last step when he heard a door swing open.

“Hey! Killua, Alluka! Long time no see!” Leorio boomed, a grin on his lips.

“Shut up! Alluka’s asleep!” Killua harshly whispered, glaring at him as he turned toward the steps and ran back up them. “And seriously, what took so long? I was standing here like five minutes.”

“Heh, sorry. Kurapika and I were watching movie.” Leorio said, grinning sheepishly. He stepped out of the way and into the apartment, “Come on in. Make yourselves at home. We have an extra bedroom so you can get settled there.”

“Kurapika? Wait…” Killua’s eyes widened and he wasn’t sure whether to be shocked or disgusted- settling on a mixture of the two. “ _We_ … You and Kurapika are the _we_? As in ‘ _We’ll_ help you figure out what to do about Gon’?”

“Who’d you think it was? I don’t exactly have many people I hang out with these days.” Leorio said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. “Now get your ass in here already. It’s cool out here and you look dead on your feet.”

Leorio was right. Killua _was_ exhausted, and Alluka had pretty much passed out over an hour ago. He could deal with that Leorio and Kurapika tomorrow- after he actually was coherent.

“Yeah, sure. Sleep is good.” Killua mumbled, a yawn escaping his lips. Leorio snickered, leading the teen into the small apartment. Killua was tired, sure, but he could do basic math. There weren’t that many doors and, if he had to guess, he’d say there were only two bedrooms. And Kurapika was nowhere to be seen which meant he was in one of them.

“Anyway, here’s the room you guys can stay in. There’s a bathroom attached. I hope you guys don’t mind sharing a bed.” Leorio said showing him the bedroom. Killua shook his head.

“Nah, we have to share a lot at hotels. Thanks.” Killua said, setting his sister on the bed and tucking her in.

“No problem. See you in the morning, kid.” Leorio said before walking back out. Killua raised an eyebrow, quietly following him and watching him turn out the lights before walking into the other bedroom.

 _He’s…They’re…No way…._ Killua shuddered, rubbing his eyes. “It’s way too late for this…” He crawled into bed with Alluka, dropping off almost instantly.

……………………

Killua sat at the small table, watching Kurapika work in the kitchen like a housewife. Leorio sat at the table across from Killua, talking easily with with the blond- as if Killua wasn’t sitting right there. The whole situation was very… strange. It was like they were playing house or something- he’d even seen Leorio kiss Kurapika on the cheek a few times since he’d woken up. As happy as he was for them- _where the hell did this all come from?_

“So, Killua, Leorio told me about your little _problem_ with Gon.” Kurapika said as he sat down to Killua’s left, giving him a knowing smile. Killua flushed bright red.

“It-It’s not a problem! I just… don’t know what to do, that’s all. It’s not a big deal.” Killua said, fumbling over his words. The two adults gave each other a look that irked Killua. “ _What_? Look just because you two are randomly shacking up now and are adults doesn’t mean you’re all mature and know everything there is to know about this stuff!”

“Shacking up randomly?” Kurapika asked, blinking in surprise. He looked at Leorio, “You seriously didn’t tell him? I’m not sure whether to take offense to that or not.”

“Oh come on, it’s not like _you_ told him or Gon. We’ve all be out of touch and this whole thing was spur of the moment-“

“Will someone _please_ tell me what’s going on?” Killua butted in, looking between the two men in exasperation. _How was any of this supposed to help him with Gon?_

“We’ve kind of been together for over a year now…” Leorio laughed, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly. Kurapika blushed and nodded in confirmation and Killua felt his jaw drop.

“A-A _year_?” The boy sputtered.

“Actually closer to two. We’re over a year and a half in now.” Kurapika said, his blush growing at Killua’s stare. Leorio laughed, picking up Kurapika’s hand and bringing it to his lips.

“H-How? I mean you guys have always been friends. But you argued all the time! And you always ignored Leorio!” Killua was completely confused. It was way, _way_ too early for this- even if it was almost eleven in the morning. Leorio and Kurapika living together? Leorio and Kurapika _together_?

“Yeah, well I finally got sick and tired of it.” Leorio said, bitterly- obviously still miffed by Kurapika always ignoring him in the past. “So I tracked him down and-“

“Leorio! Can we please not regale him with every detail of our love life?” Kurapika groaned, his face in his hands.

“I’m _not_. But he asked- and if telling him how we got together helps him figure out how to tell Gon his feelings, then I think we should.” Leorio said, taking a sip of coffee.

“Okay, fine. Go ahead. But I’m stopping you if you get anything wrong.” Kurapika sighed, conceding.

“Why do I get the feeling that I’m going to regret asking?” Killua said, sinking back into his chair. Leorio laughed and reached across the small table to ruffle the boy’s hair.

“It’s not cheesy or mushy- well, not _that_ much at least. So Kurapika wouldn’t answer any of my calls for pretty much ever. And it was driving me crazy. Hell, even when we became Zodiacs together he’d still ignore me half the time-“

“Wait, you guys are Zodiacs? Since when?” Killua interrupted, dumbfounded.

“Since about two years? A little longer.” Kurapika answered, watching Leorio’s eyebrow twitch in annoyance for being interrupted.

“ _Anyway_. The Zodiacs asked me to join and I got Kurapika in- thinking we could finally talk. But he was so absorbed with doing jobs and finding his clan’s eyes that he still wouldn’t acknowledge me- even when we were in the same room.” He gave Kurapika a pointed look as the blond looked down at his coffee, “I let it slide for a while. We were all busy with our own things and the Zodiacs were dealing with a lot. But I finally had enough. After going like a month without seeing him and finally meeting up with him, I waltzed right up to him and reamed him for leaving me high and dry.”

“You were pretty insistent too. Cursing me out and all. You were so angry you completely let it slip that you loved me without even realizing it.” Kurapika mused, laughter leaving his lips. He turned to Killua laughing, “He was so busy yelling at me that he never even realized he’d said ‘I love you, dammit’ until about thirty seconds later when he became a blushing mess.”

“I-I was not _blushing_!” Leorio snapped, his cheeks brightening. “I.. I was red because I was pissed off!”

“You mean like you are now?” Kurapika snickered. Leorio rolled his eyes, huffing.

“The point was that I didn’t beat around the bush. I didn’t hide what I was feeling- I completely told him everything. It took me a while, but I did. And Kurapika was surprisingly okay with it. He said that he wasn’t sure if he returned my feelings or not- but that he was willing to try and find out.” Leorio said, smiling lovingly at Kurapika, a smile that was returned. Killua wasn’t sure if it made him feel optimistic or even more nervous.

“But… Didn’t that make you feel, I don’t know, _bad_ when Kurapika didn’t feel the same way?” Killua asked hesitantly, surprising himself by the question. Leorio looked at Kurapika before nodding a bit at Killua.

“Yeah, I mean it made me feel awful at first. Like I completely got rejected. I mean, how else do you take that? But Kurapika assured me that our friendship was too precious to give up just because of something like this. That he cared about me and that we’d start from there” Leorio said softly, a smile on his lips. He leaned back grinning smugly, “He kissed me like a week later, though.”

“ _Leorio!_ ” Kurapika yelled, smacking his shoulder, his face a deep shade of red. “Don’t tell him that!”

“What? It’s true!” Leorio laughed, his eyes filled with mirth.

“That doesn’t mean you have to tell him that!” Kurapika groaned, putting his head on the table. Leorio snickered before grinning at Killua.

“Well, that’s my advice. Tell Gon how you feel without any hesitation. Otherwise you’ll just back out. You and Gon have an even closer friendship than Kurapika and I did so I don’t think Gon will be weirded out by it in the slightest. Just handle this how Gon would handle it. Blurt it out.”

“Are you sure? I mean… What, do I just call him and admit to everything?” Killua’s own cheeks were flushed, imagining actually doing it. _Can I do it? What if I mess up and say the wrong thing? What if Gon freaks out? What if-_

“ _No._ No way. Don’t do that.” Kurapika said firmly, looking up at Killua. “You can’t do something like this over the phone. It has to be face-to-face.”

“I-In _person_?” Killua visibly paled. “B-But I can’t do that! I haven’t even seen him in three years!”

“Who’s fault is that?” Leorio muttered, sipping at his coffee. Kurapika glared at him before turning back to Killua.

“No one’s saying you have to tell him right away. But maybe you should try calling him first- having a normal conversation. Apologize and say that you’ll explain it in person sometime. Ease into it. When the time comes, blurting it out would be a good idea so you don’t back out. But before that, you should ease back into the friendship and get used to talking with him again. It’ll make it a little easier and I bet that if I hadn’t been ignoring Leorio, it would have been so much easier for him.”

“He’s got a point. I only handled it like I did because I didn’t know when I’d get another chance. Kurapika used to vanish for months at a time so it was really a toss-up as to if I’d see him again in the next year. I _had_ to get it out in the open. You have time so I suggest talking to him about other stuff first. Clearing the air a bit.”

“O…Okay… Thanks, guys.” Killua slowly nodded. He was completely nervous, but at least he wasn’t on the verge of a complete meltdown anymore. “I think I might call him now, actually. I can’t keep putting it off forever.”

“Good luck, kiddo.” Leorio grinned at Killua as the boy stood up, making his way to the balcony.

…………….

Gon stirred a bit, feeling a vibration in his pocket. He’d finally managed to doze off on the airship bound for Yorknew. He hadn’t slept well at all on the boat from Whale Island and it was only about seven in the morning where he was. He felt around for his phone, holding it to his ear without checking the caller id.

“Hello?” He answered, his voice thick with sleep.  
“Gon? Sorry, were you asleep? I didn’t mean to wake you up.” Killua frowned, looking over the balcony. It was really stupid of him to have called – of course Gon had probably been asleep or been busy. “I could call back later.”

“Killua?” Gon’s eyes lit up, the sleep vanishing from them. “No, I can talk now!” He had to struggle to keep his voice down so he wouldn’t disturb the other passengers. “It’s been forever since I’ve heard from you! Where have you been? You haven’t been answering any of my calls or messages. Are…Are you mad at me?” Gon frowned, his voice quieting on its own accord- afraid of the response. But Killua was calling, wasn’t he? That meant he wanted to talk to him. That he wasn’t mad…right?

“No! I mean, no, I’m not mad. And I know it’s been a while… I’ve missed you a lot. And we have a lot to talk about. But I’d rather talk about that in person, okay? So maybe... sometime soon… we could maybe meet up? If you want?” Killua prayed he didn’t sound like an idiot. He didn’t want to be pushy or shy or a combination of the two. He just wanted to see Gon and to finally, _finally_ admit to him all of the things that he’d wanted to.

“Sure.” Gon said quietly, a bright smile on his lips. “Sure, Killua. I’d love to see you. I’ve missed you too. So much.” He knew Killua would get on his case for being “embarrassing”, but it was the truth. Gon was surprised when Killua did no such thing, though.

“Good. Because it’s been way too long and I miss having you around.” Killua said just as quiet, the same soft smile on his lips. Relief flooded him that Gon was so willing to meet up.

“It’s your own fault, you know.” Gon pouted and Killua laughed a little on the other end, “You really suck at keeping in touch, Killua. Like really suck.”

“Yeah, I know.” Killua said, a little more casually. “I’ll admit, some of it I just did to spite you since you’re so over the top with calling.”

“Killua!” Gon whined, earning another laugh from Killua.

………………….

“Ice cream. You want ice cream.” Killua stared at Leorio from his spot on the couch next to Alluka. “Why can’t you just get it yourself?”

“I have work today. Unlike you _I_ actually have an important job.” Leorio grabbed his keys off the table.

“Oh yeah? Then why weren’t you there yesterday?” Killua asked, his eyes narrowed.

“It was my day off. Besides, I thought you wouldn’t mind picking it up today.” Leorio waved him off, putting on his shoes by the door. Killua’s eye twitched.

“So, what, I’m your errand boy now?” Killua muttered watching Leorio open the door.

“Later, kid. See you later, honey!” Leorio yelled in to Kurapika before leaving.

“Wait,” Killua sat up after Leorio left and Kurapika walk in the room. “You’re here! So you can just go-“

“I promised I’d take Alluka to the mall today.” Kurapika interrupted him, “And it’s on the opposite side of town from ice cream parlor we get ours from.”

“Why the hell are you guys so picky? Why can’t I just get it from the grocery store or something.” Killua whined, falling back against the cushions. Kurapika shrugged.

“Leorio likes this place better. You have to learn to choose your battles when you’re in a relationship- this fight wasn’t even worth it.” Kurapika sighed, shaking his head.

“Okay, so why don’t _I_ take Alluka to the mall since it’s _your_ boyfriend who’s so-“

“Nope. I want Kurapika to take me.” Alluka said casually as she looked at the tv screen in front of her.

“ _Oh, come on, Alluka_!” Killua threw his hands up exasperated. The girl simply shrugged.

“I see you all the time, big brother. I never see him.” Alluka said simply, not even bothering to take her eyes off the cheesy reality show she was watching. Killua sighed, getting up from the couch and heading toward the door.

“Alright, alright. _Fine_.” He muttered in defeat, getting his shoes on. “Where is the damn place, anyway?”

“The airport. A small shop across from Terminal F.” Kurapika said, smiling.

“Air- You’ve gotta be kidding me. I was literally _just_ there the day before yesterday. Why couldn’t he just ask me to get it then?” Killua whined childishly. Kurapika let out a laugh.

“You two got in really late and the place was closed. Besides, we figured you were too tired.” Kurapika sat down where Killua had just been. The teen growled under his breath before heading out the door, slamming it behind him.

After a few minutes, Leorio walked back inside with a grin on his face.

“Glad he took the bait. I feel a little bad lying to the kid.” He sat on the couch with the other two.

“Don’t be. My brother’s stubborn and he’d put this off for forever if we didn’t do _something_.” Alluka chimed, giggling.

…………………………………

Killua stood across from Terminal F at the airport. There was a smoothie shop, a burger joint, a pizza place, and restrooms… but no ice cream parlor. Had Kurapika gotten the terminal wrong? Maybe it moved or went out of- Killua _swore_ , if they’d sent him there for nothing…

“K-Killua?”

 


End file.
